It's all happening.

Speaking of the cycle of life (previous post):

Life is about to explode on the farm these days. Not just in the trees where the birds are singing like maniacs and the leaves are popping out, or in the ditches and meadows where new types of flowers show their beauty every day. As I write this, I can hear the chirping of baby chicks in the nesting machine next to me (yes, my office is both an office and a chicken incubator), one has hatched already and more will come during the night and morning hours. In the sheep pen, we have ten round bellied mamas-to-be, ready to pop any day, and our beautiful cow Daisy is again about to become a mama, any time during the next three weeks. Busy and exciting times!

Goodbye, Pål.

It was slaughtering time again here today. It's never easy, not for anyone, but today was emotionally harder for us than before. It was time for Pål - our first calf born on the farm - to go. As always, it was done in the most humane way possible; he was taken outside in the field, given lovely food from a bucket, and then, without any stress or fear, it was all over. Mr. Payne had great help from friends, and the kids and I watched it from the house. I had to turn away when the shot came, and yes, there were tears. The kids on the other hand, watched it all, and as soon as he was on the ground, ran out to have a closer look. Even though I find this hard, I still firmly believe that including the kids (and myself) in this, is good for us. It's about being close to the cycle of life, about making death a natural part of it, about not distancing ourselves from everything uncomfortable. (I have written more about this previously, here and here.) 

Thank you, Pål, and goodbye.

Five (and fabulous!).

The day has finally come - you are five!

Wonderful colourful strong beautiful sensitive Freja: You are an adventure. We are so happy and so lucky to share this life with you. You spice up our days with your feistiness, wicked sense of humour, creativity and uninhibited love. Your love of nature and the way you care for everyone around you touches our hearts. You are a magical mystery!

Happy birthday Freja, we love you so.

My growing heart.

Being over half way through this pregnancy, I am slowly coming to the realisation that Falk is going to be a big brother soon. My little baby! It feels like I just had him, he was just this tiny squishy baby and I was just recently born as a mother, again. And now, there is another one coming.

When I was expecting Freja, I struggled a bit with what so many second-time mamas do; the fear of whether there would be enough space in my heart to be able to love another baby as much as the first one. It's quite logical, really: The child you have from before, is someone you love and know and would die for - it's someone who has shaped your life so vividly already. The baby in the belly is still something abstract, an idea of someone, fragmented movements, physical sensations, dreams and wonders, but not yet someone whole and someone you know. So you just have to trust that you will also mother this baby as well as you did the first one - which is hard to believe, sometimes. But of course, when Freja was born, she was instantly my baby, just as much as Ronja, and my heart had space. My heart grew. The same experience with Falk, but I had less worry this time, I trusted my former experience and knew that my heart would grow even more, that he would be my baby, too. 

And now, I am going through these motions yet again. It feels like an enormous gift, and as the one in my belly grows and kicks and moves within me more and more, the wonder of what is awaiting fills me with such joy. I am one lucky mama.

37.

I have been on this Earth for 37 years today. I have wandered this planet while it quietly spun 37 times around the sun, and I can say with great clarity that I am at a good place in my life. No, it's not perfect - and it will never be - and what is perfect, anyway? - but I am where I want to be and with the people I want to be with. I am on a journey and I am expanding my ways of understanding this life all the time. I have my kingdom: This farm and the forest, and this is where we have chosen to live our lives. I am with a man who makes my dreams come true, who works long hours every day to really create this life that we want, who has the stamina of a titan and who loves us all very much. I have three kids who make my days wonderful, and chaotic, and colourful, and magical. And now I am carrying another child in my womb, another soul to make this family even more complete. I have friends who stick around, who share their journey with us, who open their arms and homes for us, who give us support, wonderful company and the best conversations. I feel blessed by fairies and have probably never been happier and more content. Now that's something, isn't it?

Happy birthday to me!

Working together.

Ok, sometimes it takes a liiiittle bit longer to get things done, but we still firmly believe that including the kids in our daily work is good and important. No matter the mess! (It is actually a very good zen exercise on how to keep calm in the storm; for example cooking lasagne with three kids helping.) This afternoon, moving wood into the shed was eagerly helped by strong, little hands. 

(notice Freja happily whistling away on the second to last photo)

Halfway!

I'm not sure if it has properly dawned on me just yet, but whether I get it or not: This pregnancy is halfway already, the belly has definitely popped out, and the little kicks of our littlest star are getting stronger by the day. This is the best part of the run, so I'm really enjoying it. Filled with love! (Photos by Ronja.)

In cuddle heaven.

Like a devoted mother, she stays with them in most of her waking hours, carefully holding them, carrying them, talking to them, changing one for the other so that every one of the fifteen little balls of fluff gets her love. She shows her more rough handed little brother how to hold them, protects them from the dog and cats, and shows them proudly off to visitors. The baby chicks are in good hands with this one.

(And yes, her big sister is the same, and was almost late for school today because of all the love.)

Spring cleaning.

One late afternoon, the sun was up, spring was there, we'd been out all day and ended it with a huge bonfire in the yard. The fascination in my kids' eyes, how they could sit there for ages just watching it, looking at the flakes fly up towards the sky, feel a slight heat from where they were sitting, mesmerised. Simple joys in a beautiful life.

First of the year!

She came rushing in, shouted mammaaaaaaaa!, and stood there in the doorway, with her hands behind her back and an excited smile. Guess what I've got for you!

It was spring, a tiny bouquet of spring in her hands. Love! 

New life.

Yesterday we all drove out to another farm on an exciting venture: We are hatching new baby chicks out, and we bought a load of mixed eggs in all sorts of colours. Blue, green, pink, olive, dark brown. This means that if we get hens (female chicks), we will eventually get to collect eggs like these in our own chicken pen! How cool is that, such beautiful eggs. The chicks are due to hatch in three weeks, and we are all very excited!

Today.

Was called up at 5 am, jumped out of bed and (almost) straight into the car, drove through a blizzard to the big city, and witnessed a beautiful home birth and a sweet sweet family become four. A wonderful experience, and such a privilege. Love!

Beauty & progress.

We packed our bags this morning and headed out before the mist had been burnt off by the sun; we wandered up the steep hill into our forest and as I turned around, I saw our farm enveloped in the most beautiful light. Again, that feeling of being in place. 

The gapahuk (remember last post?) is seriously taking shape! Mr. Payne has single handedly built it up there, he is definitely our very own Hulk. We are very lucky to have him (in many ways!). It is such a pearl of a spot, the view, the forest surrounding it, everything. It will be another place to create beautiful memories. Love it!